Solitude

One of the biggest challenges in being a young adult is learning to be OK with being alone. It's easy to feel worthless, unloved, and uncared for when you are all by yourself. Some people avoid it at all costs; many people fill their lives with distractions; almost everyone cannot stand it for extended periods of time.

However, I found this note I quickly jotted down a couple months ago. It reads,

"There's a sense of aloneness that is empowering.. The feeling of being all alone with no one having a clue where you are and what you do . the feeling of tremendous power and independence. You can finally do and think and feel what you are. No one is stopping you from anything- tears, worship, dancing, laughter. You breathe and you are. Just you and your creator and how he created you to be."

Maybe I'm on the path of becoming a recluse. All I can say is for once in my life, I was thankful for complete and utter solitude.

Refined by Fire

I routinely ask God to increase my faith in Him. It is my sincere desire to love Him more. It is also His desire that I be sanctified. But little did I expect Him to respond to this request with trials that would expose all the ugliness of my heart and show me how little I actually love Him.

I will never again take this request lightly. It is a devastating request. Devastating, of course, only to our natural selves and the personal desires that we love to cling on to. Yet often, it is only through this utter devastation that we truly learn to die to self and love God more than anything in this world.

I asked the Lord, that I might grow

In faith, and love, and every grace;

Might more of His salvation know,

And seek more earnestly His face.

I hoped that in some favoured hour

At once He'd answer my request,

And by His love's constraining power

Subdue my sins, and give me rest.

Instead of this, He made me feel

The hidden evils of my heart;

And let the angry powers of hell

Assault my soul in every part.

Yea more, with His own hand He seemed

Intent to aggravate my woe;

Crossed all the fair designs I schemed,

Blasted my gourds, and laid me low. 

"Lord, why is this?" I trembling cried,

"Wilt thou pursue Thy worm to death?"

" 'Tis in this way," the Lord replied,

"I answer prayer for grace and faith.

"These inward trials I employ

From self and pride to set thee free;

And break thy schemes of earthly joy,

That thou may'st seek thy all in me."

- John Newton

Life Lesson

Over my entire life it seems, I have ever so slowly been learning just one thing - Not my will, but Thy will be done. "Every good thing given and every perfect gift is from above", but even good and beautiful things become an idol when we desire these gifts more than the Gift-giver. Even when God take away or withhold good gifts, I will give thanks for this is how He draw me closer to Him. As David prays, "O God, You are my God; I shall seek You earnestly; My soul thirsts for You, my flesh yearns for You." So please Lord, strip me of my idols, take away my sins, purge away any choking thorns, strip me until I am bare... until I am Yours and Yours alone. 

I have built a city here
Half with pride and half with fear
Just wanted a safer place to hide
I don’t want to be safe tonight

I need You like a hurricane
Thunder crashing, wind and rain
To tear my walls down
I’m only Yours now
I need you like a burning flame
A wild fire untamed
To burn these walls down
I’m only Yours now
I’m only Yours now

I am Yours and You are mine
You know far better than I
And if destruction’s what I need
Then I’ll receive it Lord from Thee
Yes, I’ll receive it Lord from Thee

And it’s Your eye in the storm
Watching over me
And it’s Your eye in the storm
Wanting only good for me
And if You are the war
Let me be the casualty
‘Til I’m Yours alone
I am only Yours
I am Yours alone, Lord 

Hurricane - Jimmy Needham

I need Thee every hour

Can't get enough of this CD while studying for finals:

At the height of my workload stress, I tend to have mini mental breakdowns that eventually leads to existential crises. I'm not kidding. It goes something like this: Gosh, finals are so pointless, I don't care about this anyway. In a course of a lifetime, what does it matter? Why am I even doing this? What should I be doing? What am I doing with my life? I wish I had more time to figure it out but now I have to study for my stupid finals... And which this leads me to just sit there or blog when I should be studying, like right now. Great huh? The only thing that keeps myself sane is being reminded of the amazing truths of God. I've learned through the years that as a very introspective person, my mind is often my worst enemy. Better not to listen to myself, but be reminded by the Word of Truth and His promises. That's why I love this CD so much. Classic hymns, uplifting verses grounded on Biblical truth, arranged in a nice contemporary style... with simple yet powerful reminders such as this:

I need Thee every hour, most gracious Lord;
No tender voice like Thine can peace afford.

I need Thee, O I need Thee;
Every hour I need Thee;
O bless me now, my Savior,
I come to Thee.

I need Thee every hour, stay Thou nearby;
Temptations lose their power when Thou art nigh.

I need Thee every hour, in joy or pain;
Come quickly and abide, or life is in vain.

I need Thee every hour; teach me Thy will;
And Thy rich promises in me fulfill.

I need Thee every hour, most Holy One;
O make me Thine indeed, Thou blessèd Son.

My Declaration of Dependence

My life motto has always been: "suck it up."

But at what point does "sucking it up" actually buries the pain so deeply and ignores it so that all is left is a hardened and apathetic heart void of emotion?

There is also a sense of prideful self-sufficiency in sucking it up. I am learning that I can't do it anymore. I must become weak in order for Him to say, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

In Exile

Early this summer I remember feeling a little bit sad to have to leave for Taiwan so soon after just returning home for a week or so. I looked around my room the last day as I was packing, knowing that I was going to leave the comfort of my bed and the familiarity of my house. Then something clicked in my head. Goodbye, I told my room, you are not my true home anyway. Goodbye house, you have been good to me, but you I will not hesitate to leave you to follow my calling elsewhere. And then I picked up my luggage and left. 

7 weeks later I returned, and for the first time in my life, home felt strange and foreign. Though everything I did returned to normal, I saw my life as from an outsider's point of view. While I lived life normally, my mind was busy making commentaries. And then I left again. 

On a similar note, one of the greatest encouragement I received freshman year was ... a comment on Facebook. It went, "Homesick? Bless you! Been there. Survived that. What is even more heartbreaking is the day you realize that home - and all it represents: security, stability, certainty, a haven of rest, unconditional love, and more - is gone, for good. Of course, it is a painful process of spiritual maturing when you realize that none of those things were ever really found at home. Rather they are, and will always be, found in Jesus! I will pray for you as you take that journey, my sister." 

On yet another note (it's related I promise), 

While this song, In Exile by Thrice, is playing on my headphones, everything I shared above and all of these pictures below flash through my head as I'm walking to campus...

I am in exile, a sojourner
A citizen of some other place
All I've seen is just a glimmer in a shadowy mirror
But I know one day we'll see face to face.

I am a nomad, a wanderer

I have nowhere to lay my head down

There's no point in putting roots too deep when I'm moving on

Not settling for this unsettling town.

My heart is filled with songs of forever

The city that endures when all is made new

I know I don't belong here, I'll never

Call this place my home, I'm just passing through.

I am a pilgrim, a voyager

I won't rest until my lips touch the shore

Of the land that I've been longing for as long as I've lived

Where they'll be no pain or tears anymore.

My heart is filled with songs of forever

The city that endures when all is made new

I know I don't belong here, I'll never

Call this place my home, I'm just passing through.

and no... I don't want to graduate so fast

With less than 30 days of high school left, a part of me feels itching to get out. And if you've talked to me this whole year, you might have noticed how many times I've mentioned that I'm so ready to graduate and leave.

But hold that thought.

4 years of life at Walnut High School... 4 years of walking to classes, lunch with the group, club meetings, of 12-hour school days, sunrise to sunset. Can I really just take all that and walk away? Of course I'm not idealizing my 4 years of high school. There was much uncomfortable fitting in, embarrassing moments, hard work, and wanting to give up. But yesterday during lunch, I was reminded of how much I have taken for granted. It was a truly enjoyable lunch, with friends I've known for 4 years, and laughter and jokes. I was comfortable and happy with where I was. There was no more bitterness, resentment at coming to Walnut (and not my old school), frustration at myself and my environment. And even as I walk around campus, I don't even see how everyone complains about it being so ugly. It's not that ugly, when the weather is perfect and the flowers are in bloom. And all the people I've met the past 4 years... the people who make me smile with their silly quirks, are all going to part. Of course I can meet up with them again after I graduate but it's never the same.

and no...I realize, I don't want to graduate so fast.

Part of it is because I've been involved in activities that's been very dear to me. Only two school activities really dominated my senior year: MORE Club and Astronomy Club. Last week was my last MORE club trip to Vejar and my last time seeing my 3rd grade buddy, Katelyn, whom I had for the past 2 years. MORE Club was always strikingly different from my other mundane school activities that I forced myself to do... every Wednesday I'd be excited after school when the bus reached Vejar Elementary and my buddy and all those kids would be there waiting. I'd forget everything else and just be so happy to be with kids. a breath of fresh air. And for the last MORE club, I just played with Katelyn and tried to be happy. I didn't want to press on her that this was the last time I would probably see her. So as I watched her walk away from school for the last time, I felt sad but I thought... it's all worth it. I was so grateful to be in MORE Club because it made my whole high school career so much more meaningful. To know that I've had a lasting impact on another child...and that the memories will always be there.

Tonight was another monthly star party for Astronomy Club. The sky wasn't too clear because of smog and light pollution. But Charissa, a Philipinno girl with a round face, is always faithful in showing up. She is always off to the side and not talked to often. But she tells me that she is reminded about the majesty of God when she looks up at the stars. She tells me that she's learned a lot from her two years at Astronomy Club... and now has the habit of looking up when she steps outside, just as I have. And at this moment, I know that it is all worth it... being president of Astronomy Club, organizing star parties, and getting to know Charissa. It's worth it if all it did was to touch one person with the awe of the universe, the presence of the all-powerful God. For one individual to find her place in the cosmos and be at peace with herself.

These are the moments that make up life.