You can say that I’ve been searching for something true and pure my whole life. Something that wasn’t fake, fleeting, or as Holden Caulfield puts it, “phony”, but something that was real, lasting, and good… something beautiful. (hence the name of this blog)
That just sounded so cliché that I could barf. But it’s true; this was a serious endeavor of mine. The quest started some time in late middle school or early high school when I started to become cynical about everything. I grew tired by the world around me. There had to be something more worthwhile than popularity at school, making friends to climb the social ladder, fake smiles, ostracizing “uncool” people, joining clubs you couldn’t care less about just to look good on college applications, or learning useless facts just for a test.
So I tried to find this beauty in many places. I found solace in the uninhibited beauty of nature. In closer, more sincere friendships. But I knew even those things weren’t ultimate. I was a very impressionable kid, and every wind of philosophy I heard seemed appealing. Being a skeptic, I didn’t trust anything except for my own reason and experiences. So in my mind, if we could never be so certain about the future, the best motto to live by then is carpe diem—to make the most out of what we know for certain, which is today. All I have to do is believe in myself and live up to my potential. In short—WOOHOO I WAS JUST A PRODUCT OF THE AMERICAN PUBLIC EDUCATION SYSTEM. I only trusted in myself and even started to doubt the existence of God.
I cried the day I realized that the most beautiful thing I was looking for was with me all along, yet I’d been on this grand quest. It was so simple: Jesus dying on the cross for me. But only then did it hit me that Jesus dying on the cross for my sin was the greatest example of unconditional love—love poured upon me that didn’t depend on who I was or what I did and never ceased with time… that is something TRULY beautiful.
And then I read Romans 8. End of story.
I didn’t “find” this beautiful thing by myself however. God found me. 1 Corinthians 1:20-4 says, “Where is the wise man? Where is the scribe? Where is the debater of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world? For since in the wisdom of God the world through its wisdom did not come to know God, God was well-pleased through the foolishness of the message preached to save those who believe. For indeed Jews ask for signs and Greeks search for wisdom; but we preach Christ crucified, to Jews a stumbling block and to Gentiles foolishness, but to those who are the called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God." And that’s how I got completely owned. Whatever inch of pride I had left was destroyed. I couldn’t even “find” my way to God or somehow use my own intellect to conjure up and understand the gospel. I don’t have a crazy life-turned-180 testimony, but I can tell you that God’s grace is powerful if he can save someone as rebellious, skeptical, and free-minded as I was.
I’ve been rebuked a lot since then. As for my recurring cynicism, I’ve learned that I’m not here to judge people, but to love those around me. But no matter how many times I sin, it all comes back to the simple, beautiful truth: God’s love for me exemplified by Jesus on the cross.
I think I’ve just shared my whole life story in this one blog post. Just to let you know, I didn’t intend for it to be that way. All I wanted to do was to explain a little more of the meaning behind the name of this blog. Now that I think the purpose of my blog is now finished, FAREWELL forever. Just kidding. While Christ being ultimate, there are still a lot of beautiful things in this world to write about. I’ll probably post again soon.
