Christian, Don't Promise Me

Dear Christian,

When the rain never comes,
When fiery trials rage,
Or sorrows overtake...

Don’t promise me
Your best wishes
That “God will provide”
Or “Everything will be alright.”
Don’t promise me
That somewhere out there,
God is preparing the perfect one for me,
Plus health, wealth, and a loving family.

Don’t promise me empty words
That never once appear in the Word.

Promise me the truth,
That the righteous shall see
Hatred, persecution, and death,
And sojourn the earth with nowhere to be.
For the Lord gives and He takes away,
Who among mortals shall have a say?

Promise me this,
That in knowing Christ,
There is fullness of joy,
That will always suffice.
Though trials, famine, and sword shall come, 
There is hope that never fades,
Love that never dies,
And God’s own presence to the end of the age.

“The grass withers, and the flower falls,
But the word of the Lord remains forever.”
Promise me this,
Or nothing at all.

(Inspired from Maya Angelou - "Preacher, Don't Send Me")

Solitude

One of the biggest challenges in being a young adult is learning to be OK with being alone. It's easy to feel worthless, unloved, and uncared for when you are all by yourself. Some people avoid it at all costs; many people fill their lives with distractions; almost everyone cannot stand it for extended periods of time.

However, I found this note I quickly jotted down a couple months ago. It reads,

"There's a sense of aloneness that is empowering.. The feeling of being all alone with no one having a clue where you are and what you do . the feeling of tremendous power and independence. You can finally do and think and feel what you are. No one is stopping you from anything- tears, worship, dancing, laughter. You breathe and you are. Just you and your creator and how he created you to be."

Maybe I'm on the path of becoming a recluse. All I can say is for once in my life, I was thankful for complete and utter solitude.

Refined by Fire

I routinely ask God to increase my faith in Him. It is my sincere desire to love Him more. It is also His desire that I be sanctified. But little did I expect Him to respond to this request with trials that would expose all the ugliness of my heart and show me how little I actually love Him.

I will never again take this request lightly. It is a devastating request. Devastating, of course, only to our natural selves and the personal desires that we love to cling on to. Yet often, it is only through this utter devastation that we truly learn to die to self and love God more than anything in this world.

I asked the Lord, that I might grow

In faith, and love, and every grace;

Might more of His salvation know,

And seek more earnestly His face.

I hoped that in some favoured hour

At once He'd answer my request,

And by His love's constraining power

Subdue my sins, and give me rest.

Instead of this, He made me feel

The hidden evils of my heart;

And let the angry powers of hell

Assault my soul in every part.

Yea more, with His own hand He seemed

Intent to aggravate my woe;

Crossed all the fair designs I schemed,

Blasted my gourds, and laid me low. 

"Lord, why is this?" I trembling cried,

"Wilt thou pursue Thy worm to death?"

" 'Tis in this way," the Lord replied,

"I answer prayer for grace and faith.

"These inward trials I employ

From self and pride to set thee free;

And break thy schemes of earthly joy,

That thou may'st seek thy all in me."

- John Newton

When life feels a little boring...

Here is a great reminder in the words of C. S. Lewis,

"Christianity agrees with Dualism that this universe is at war. But it does not think this is a war between independent powers. It thinks it is a civil war, a rebellion, and that we are living in a part of the universe occupied by the rebel. Enemy-occupied territory--that is what this world is. Christianity is the story of how the rightful king has landed, you might say landed in disguise, and is calling us to take part in a great campaign of sabotage. When you go to church you are really listening-in to the secret wireless from our friend: that is why the enemy is so anxious to prevent us from going. He does it by playing on our conceit and laziness and intellectual snobbery..."

This is how I like to think about the Christian life. Boring? Never! It's like fighting in the most epic science fiction movie of good vs. evil... except it is not a movie; it is not fiction; and the battle is already won. How awesome is that? Fight on! 

Richly Blessed

I asked for health that I might do greater things;

I was given infirmity that I might do better things. 

I asked God for strength that I might achieve;

I was made weak that I might learn to obey. 

I asked for riches that I might be happy;

I was given poverty that I might be wise.

I asked for power and the praise of men;

I was given weakness to sense my need of God.

I asked for all things that I might enjoy life;

I was given life that I might enjoy all things.

I got nothing I asked for but everything I hoped for;

In spite of myself, my prayers were answered -

I am among all men most richly blessed.

Life Lesson

Over my entire life it seems, I have ever so slowly been learning just one thing - Not my will, but Thy will be done. "Every good thing given and every perfect gift is from above", but even good and beautiful things become an idol when we desire these gifts more than the Gift-giver. Even when God take away or withhold good gifts, I will give thanks for this is how He draw me closer to Him. As David prays, "O God, You are my God; I shall seek You earnestly; My soul thirsts for You, my flesh yearns for You." So please Lord, strip me of my idols, take away my sins, purge away any choking thorns, strip me until I am bare... until I am Yours and Yours alone. 

I have built a city here
Half with pride and half with fear
Just wanted a safer place to hide
I don’t want to be safe tonight

I need You like a hurricane
Thunder crashing, wind and rain
To tear my walls down
I’m only Yours now
I need you like a burning flame
A wild fire untamed
To burn these walls down
I’m only Yours now
I’m only Yours now

I am Yours and You are mine
You know far better than I
And if destruction’s what I need
Then I’ll receive it Lord from Thee
Yes, I’ll receive it Lord from Thee

And it’s Your eye in the storm
Watching over me
And it’s Your eye in the storm
Wanting only good for me
And if You are the war
Let me be the casualty
‘Til I’m Yours alone
I am only Yours
I am Yours alone, Lord 

Hurricane - Jimmy Needham

Echoes of St. Augustine

(photo from Anhui, China)

St. Augustine spelling out my own thoughts in his Confessions over 1600 years ago...

"These things I did not at that time know, and I was in love with those lower beauties. I was sinking into the very depths and I said to my friends: 'Do we love anything save what is beautiful? What then is beautiful? and what is beauty? What is it that allures us and delights us in the things we love? Unless there were grace and beauty in them they could not possibly draw us to them.'"

"'...He made this world and is not far from it.' For He did not simply make it and leave it: but as it is from Him so it is in Him. See where He is, wherever there is a savour of truth: he is in the most secret place of the heart, yet the heart has strayed from Him... Where are you going, to what bleak places? Where are you going? The good that you love is from Him: and insofar as it is likewise for Him it is good and lovely... You seek happiness of life in the land of death, and it is not there. For how shall there be happiness of life where there is no life? But our Life came down to this earth and took away our death, slew death with the abundance of His own life...For He did not delay but rushed on, calling to us by His death, life, descent, and ascension to return to Him. And He withdrew from our eyes, that we might return to our own heart and find Him..." 

I'm always intrigued when people from the past seem to write what's on my mind. It's as if my thoughts were being echoed backwards through time. It reminds that my thoughts are nowhere near as original or as "my own" as I thought them to be. Still it reminds me at least that I'm not going crazy--a good thing for someone who thinks way too much! (For more detail of how this passage relate to my own thoughts, go to this post)

I need Thee every hour

Can't get enough of this CD while studying for finals:

At the height of my workload stress, I tend to have mini mental breakdowns that eventually leads to existential crises. I'm not kidding. It goes something like this: Gosh, finals are so pointless, I don't care about this anyway. In a course of a lifetime, what does it matter? Why am I even doing this? What should I be doing? What am I doing with my life? I wish I had more time to figure it out but now I have to study for my stupid finals... And which this leads me to just sit there or blog when I should be studying, like right now. Great huh? The only thing that keeps myself sane is being reminded of the amazing truths of God. I've learned through the years that as a very introspective person, my mind is often my worst enemy. Better not to listen to myself, but be reminded by the Word of Truth and His promises. That's why I love this CD so much. Classic hymns, uplifting verses grounded on Biblical truth, arranged in a nice contemporary style... with simple yet powerful reminders such as this:

I need Thee every hour, most gracious Lord;
No tender voice like Thine can peace afford.

I need Thee, O I need Thee;
Every hour I need Thee;
O bless me now, my Savior,
I come to Thee.

I need Thee every hour, stay Thou nearby;
Temptations lose their power when Thou art nigh.

I need Thee every hour, in joy or pain;
Come quickly and abide, or life is in vain.

I need Thee every hour; teach me Thy will;
And Thy rich promises in me fulfill.

I need Thee every hour, most Holy One;
O make me Thine indeed, Thou blessèd Son.

My Declaration of Dependence

My life motto has always been: "suck it up."

But at what point does "sucking it up" actually buries the pain so deeply and ignores it so that all is left is a hardened and apathetic heart void of emotion?

There is also a sense of prideful self-sufficiency in sucking it up. I am learning that I can't do it anymore. I must become weak in order for Him to say, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

sometimes, I wish I can just make everyone look up

The night sky has been amazingly clear this past week,
And if everyone looked up once in awhile, he/she might just find wonders on display...

while you're at it, take a picture.

One good thing about snowboarding is that even while you're just sitting there on your butt, seriously considering giving up the whole venture of snowboarding altogether after falling for the bajillionth time... at least there is a magnificent view and fresh snow :)

Not-So-White Christmas

Christmas has always been my favorite holiday. I've always loved this time of the year as pretty lights go up on houses, Christmas music plays on the radio, and people wear festive colors and exchange gifts and baked goodies to give each other. On the whole, Christmas sort of looked like this in my mind:

However, this year, I found myself not feeling any of this at all. I turn on the radio, and the music just feels overly festive and annoying. And I'm thinking, come on, there is NO such thing as a White Christmas in southern California. Who's ever ridden on a one-horse open sleigh anyway? How do we even know it's supposed to be fun and not freezing cold?! And what the heck are chestnuts anyway?? Christmas is just a dumb holiday that nostalgically cherishes traditions of the Eastern part of the US that have no connection to me whatsoever, and today it's just turned into a big materialistic day of gift-giving.

I know, I know, I need to watch Elf again. "The best way to spread Christmas Cheer, is singing loud for all to hear," says this guy:

Instead, I was reminded on Sunday service that Christmas is NOT about any of this at all. Of  course I knew all of this already. Christmas is about Jesus's birth. But in my head I still thought, what's so great about his birth anyway? His birth was not glamorous and pretty as nativity scenes often portray it; in reality Jesus was born in a smelly, dark shed for animals, because people at the inn wouldn't even make room for a pregnant woman. And we're pretty sure he was not born on December 25. Besides Christ's death is more important and central than his humble birth anyway, so what's the big deal then about Christmas?  

I'd forgotten that the birth of the promised Messiah is an amazing sign of God's faithfulness. Christ's birth fulfills all the promises God had made to Israel in these passages and more in the Old Testament-- Gen 22:18, Gen 21:12, Gen 49:10, Isa 11:1, Jer 23:5, Isa 7:14, Micah 5:2, Jer 31:15, and more! The amazing promise is that God loves us so much that he sent a Savior would come take our away our sins. Since God is faithful in fulfilling His promises, what are some other promises He has for believers? 

• And I am sure of this, that He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ. (Philippians 1:6)
• And this is the promise that He made to us-- eternal life. (1 John 2:25)
• He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away. (Revelations 21:4)

What God has promised, he will fulfill. Praise the Lord and have a Merry Christmas.

King of Everything

recently hooked on the Sara Bareilles CD.

from "King of Anything"
"Who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be?
Who died and made you king of anything?



Great song... the only person it does not apply to is our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Regarding Christ, it should be:

"Who I care if You disagree,

You are not me,
Who made You (are) the king of any(every)thing.
So (only) You dare (can) tell me who to be,
Who (Because You) died and made you (are the) King of any(every)thing."

Only He is worthy and able to tell me who to be. Indeed, without Him, anything you can try to be is just delusion and self-deception.

Well, to everyone else, I still say...
WHO CARES if you disagree?
:P

In Exile

Early this summer I remember feeling a little bit sad to have to leave for Taiwan so soon after just returning home for a week or so. I looked around my room the last day as I was packing, knowing that I was going to leave the comfort of my bed and the familiarity of my house. Then something clicked in my head. Goodbye, I told my room, you are not my true home anyway. Goodbye house, you have been good to me, but you I will not hesitate to leave you to follow my calling elsewhere. And then I picked up my luggage and left. 

7 weeks later I returned, and for the first time in my life, home felt strange and foreign. Though everything I did returned to normal, I saw my life as from an outsider's point of view. While I lived life normally, my mind was busy making commentaries. And then I left again. 

On a similar note, one of the greatest encouragement I received freshman year was ... a comment on Facebook. It went, "Homesick? Bless you! Been there. Survived that. What is even more heartbreaking is the day you realize that home - and all it represents: security, stability, certainty, a haven of rest, unconditional love, and more - is gone, for good. Of course, it is a painful process of spiritual maturing when you realize that none of those things were ever really found at home. Rather they are, and will always be, found in Jesus! I will pray for you as you take that journey, my sister." 

On yet another note (it's related I promise), 

While this song, In Exile by Thrice, is playing on my headphones, everything I shared above and all of these pictures below flash through my head as I'm walking to campus...

I am in exile, a sojourner
A citizen of some other place
All I've seen is just a glimmer in a shadowy mirror
But I know one day we'll see face to face.

I am a nomad, a wanderer

I have nowhere to lay my head down

There's no point in putting roots too deep when I'm moving on

Not settling for this unsettling town.

My heart is filled with songs of forever

The city that endures when all is made new

I know I don't belong here, I'll never

Call this place my home, I'm just passing through.

I am a pilgrim, a voyager

I won't rest until my lips touch the shore

Of the land that I've been longing for as long as I've lived

Where they'll be no pain or tears anymore.

My heart is filled with songs of forever

The city that endures when all is made new

I know I don't belong here, I'll never

Call this place my home, I'm just passing through.

Growing Up with Toy Story

        I am a generation that has grown up with Toy Story. I mean how many kids of the generation now actually play with toys like the ones in the movie? They've probably got their hands all over Nintendo DS's and iphones or whatnot. The first movie I ever watched in the movie theaters was the first Toy Story when I was five. (I shared this with some kids at my church today, and without knowing it, completely revealed just how old I am! The first Toy Story came out even before they were born!) My dad always likes to remind me saying, "Do you remember your first time watching Toy Story in San Diego? Do you remember how just how excited you were? And how you couldn't stop telling me, "爸爸， 爸爸！我現在真的很開心!" I do remember that day...  it was complete childhood bliss. I don't even know if I understood what was going on, but my eyes were glued to the enormous screen and I loved it... and I know for sure that baby's head on spider legs still creeps me out until this day.

       One main reason why I say I've grown up with Toy Story is that Andy and I (and most people my age) are similar in a lot of ways and share the same stage of life right when each movie came out. His toys have a life of their own. I'd always imagined my toys to also have a life (so I would always put all my stuffed animals together so they wouldn't get lonely during the day). As I grew older I would at times feel twinges of guilt for not playing with them as often anymore. As Andy grew up, so did I... all the way until Toy Story 3 when Andy goes to college and so am I in college.

       And so yesterday I also watched Toy Story 3 with my family in theaters... 15 years after my first movie ever. Emotions of warmth came back as I saw those familiar Toy Story characters again. Words cannot describe the pure awesomeness of that movie. But I'm so much older now than the 5 year old kid who couldn't sit still in her seat out of excitement. The Toy Story series have come to a close and in the same way my childhood days have ended. Inevitably everybody grows older. But the ingenuity of the whole movie is that you never have to loose a childlike spirit of imagination and wonder. Cheers to you Toy Story. A blog post can never do you justice.

about something beautiful

     You can say that I’ve been searching for something true and pure my whole life. Something that wasn’t fake, fleeting, or as Holden Caulfield puts it, “phony”, but something that was real, lasting, and good… something beautiful. (hence the name of this blog)

     That just sounded so cliché that I could barf. But it’s true; this was a serious endeavor of mine. The quest started some time in late middle school or early high school when I started to become cynical about everything. I grew tired by the world around me. There had to be something more worthwhile than popularity at school, making friends to climb the social ladder, fake smiles, ostracizing “uncool” people, joining clubs you couldn’t care less about just to look good on college applications, or learning useless facts just for a test.

     So I tried to find this beauty in many places. I found solace in the uninhibited beauty of nature. In closer, more sincere friendships. But I knew even those things weren’t ultimate. I was a very impressionable kid, and every wind of philosophy I heard seemed appealing. Being a skeptic, I didn’t trust anything except for my own reason and experiences. So in my mind, if we could never be so certain about the future, the best motto to live by then is carpe diem—to make the most out of what we know for certain, which is today. All I have to do is believe in myself and live up to my potential. In short—WOOHOO I‭ ‬WAS JUST A PRODUCT OF THE AMERICAN PUBLIC EDUCATION SYSTEM. I only trusted in myself and even started to doubt the existence of God.

     I cried the day I realized that the most beautiful thing I was looking for was with me all along, yet I’d been on this grand quest. It was so simple: Jesus dying on the cross for me. But only then did it hit me that Jesus dying on the cross for my sin was the greatest example of unconditional love—love poured upon me that didn’t depend on who I was or what I did and never ceased with time… that is something TRULY beautiful.

     And then I read Romans 8. End of story.

     I didn’t “find” this beautiful thing by myself however. God found me. 1 Corinthians 1:20-4 says, “Where is the wise man? Where is the scribe? Where is the debater of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world? For since in the wisdom of God the world through its wisdom did not come to know God, God was well-pleased through the foolishness of the message preached to save those who believe. For indeed Jews ask for signs and Greeks search for wisdom; but we preach Christ crucified, to Jews a stumbling block and to Gentiles foolishness, but to those who are the called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God." And that’s how I got completely owned. Whatever inch of pride I had left was destroyed. I couldn’t even “find” my way to God or somehow use my own intellect to conjure up and understand the gospel. I don’t have a crazy life-turned-180 testimony, but I can tell you that God’s grace is powerful if he can save someone as rebellious, skeptical, and free-minded as I was.

     I’ve been rebuked a lot since then. As for my recurring cynicism, I’ve learned that I’m not here to judge people, but to love those around me. But no matter how many times I sin, it all comes back to the simple, beautiful truth: God’s love for me exemplified by Jesus on the cross.

     I think I’ve just shared my whole life story in this one blog post. Just to let you know, I didn’t intend for it to be that way. All I wanted to do was to explain a little more of the meaning behind the name of this blog. Now that I think the purpose of my blog is now finished, FAREWELL forever. Just kidding. While Christ being ultimate, there are still a lot of beautiful things in this world to write about. I’ll probably post again soon.

the fall of creativity

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Digging up those middle and high school creative writings is always an amusing experience. I stumble upon the most ridiculous stories and bleak poetry from those emo, angsty teenage days. Here is something particularly interesting that I came upon.

Long before I ever watched the Bourne series, I conjured up and wrote a short story about a killer wrestling with his guilty conscience and then unexpectedly apologizing to the loved ones of the people he killed. So when I finally saw Bourne Supremacy last semester and on came the scene where Bourne found Neski’s daughter and apologized to her for killing her parents, I was thinking…. wait… this seems familiar for some reason… ohh yeahh, I wrote a story like this in 8^th grade! Here is an excerpt of the beginning and ending of my short story, if you care to read what is possibly the apex of all my creative literary achievements. (Sadly high school and college had squelched all those creative tendencies in all forms of writing since then.)

            “It was damp and dark in the cave. Memories flooded in his mind… Screams filled his head, those of a woman. The woman. Her face of pain and grief was imprinted in his mind forever. The screams of a dying man. The soft cry of a baby. The yelling of the police. Dazed pictures of blurred red. Again the woman’s face. Swiftly, something took over him. Was it an earthquake? No, it was only his head that was making him dizzy and sick. He noticed his trembling hand that gripped the pistol. It slowly slipped from his hands, and he turned and ran. There was silence, only the dashing thuds of his footsteps, or was it his heart?

            And suddenly, the pictures were gone. All was black and silent in the cave as was his black coat and facemask. It was cold. He bunched up and hid his face in his arms, looking down.

            “Why couldn’t I take it this time?” he thought to himself. “I have killed before and ran away without even thinking about it, but why did this time make me dizzy and disgusted?” The shaking picture of the red, red that was spilled everywhere seized his mind. “Why do I feel pain?” Now the woman’s agonized face popped up, while the cry of the baby echoed in his ears. His memories had answered all his questions for him. Before, he had only killed at pitch dark, where there was only a soft blast and the man was still and dead and alone as he quickly pilfered his wallet and snatched the suitcase of cash. This time, he’d only shot his victim on the shoulder, and to silence him, he fired more and more until blood gushed out like a river. The police came and hovered around and he shot out more to escape. One bullet had landed on the baby.

            “I killed a baby, I killed a baby, god damn, I killed a baby. An innocent, precious child.” What had he become? Slowly he slouched into a troubled sleep.

The yellow sun came up and he aroused also. He lifted his head up, pulled off his black facemask. Out shook a young face of a teenager with brown hair framing around it. It would have almost been a fresh, lively face if it hadn’t been murdered and hardened at such a young age.  Blinking in the bright sunlight, he looked around him. There was a dark cave or ditch of some sort, well hidden from the rest of the evil civilization and the hated, uncaring people it possessed. He caught a glimpse of his black attire, and all the memories flooded in again. He forcefully fought them away, but it was his sudden realization of his hunger that chased those thoughts away. In his awakening, hunger roared at his stomach. Nearby, tattered bag of random items he had stolen was sadly lying. He rummaged through it and found a wallet. In it was a small pack of strong mints. Through his hunger, the murderer fairly chucked the whole box into his mouth. As the mints were burning through his tongue, the memories came again. This time, it was only that woman, that poor, poor woman with the shattered look on her eyes. He had killed her husband and her baby. Another life ruined liked his own…

[Skip to the ending of the story where he goes to apologize to the woman] 
Now he was face to face with the plain brown door [of the woman’s house]…Trembling hands that once gripped a gun now trembled more violently as it lifted to push the doorbell.

            A small woman with straight brown hair creaked open the door. Although quite beautiful, her skin now had a tint of gray.

            “Hello, Ms. Would you like to purchase some candy to help…” Her eyes met mine now. A scream let out.

The woman dashed in, fumbled the phone, and dialed 911, thought for a while, then slammed the phone down.

“If you want to kill me like you did to my baby and my husband, you can do it now. I haven’t much to live for anyway.”

Silence.

He stood there and his brain froze. She knew who he was…

“How did you know…?”

“How do I not know the eyes of my baby’s killer? Your eyes are imprinted in my head forever.” she said calmly. “ But I couldn’t imagine you to be so young. You can shoot me now, or else the police will be arriving.”

Neighbors were pacing around in a frantic outside now as they heard the scream and now saw the police cars arriving. Hubbub swarmed all over outside. The police quietly pushed the neighbors away as they circled the house.

In the quiet gray room of the house, he was just standing there as the memories came back in a slide show this time, piece by piece. It was silent but peaceful in the room. Outside was a world of havoc with sirens and frantic yells.

“So aren’t you going to shoot me now? Or what else did you come here for?”

“I’m… sorry.” Before tears could bulge out, the murderer dashed right out the door leaving a shocked woman standing in the room.

He ran right out, dropped his gun, and stood there while the bullets silently and slowly drained life out of the young, fresh-faced teenager.” The End.

I think sharing and posting this short story is much more for my amusement value than for your own personal value of how much you even care about this. But what more is a blog than a channel for self-absorbed musings and to spit out fiercely rebellious statements that won't amount to anything? As I see it, a blog is just the height of one’s own narcissism. But that’s ok! Ever since those English teachers told you to write concisely and clearly using concrete details and omitting the first person “I”, the creative and expressive side of writing was already all but destroyed. That is why the advent of the personal blog, a medium for self-expression, is then so crucial to keep people like me sane.

I am rambling. But I hope you do enjoy the story written by 8^th grade Sandra. I have to say I was a rather morbid kid. But all I can say now is  that Jason Bourne completely RIPPED OFF of my story. Just kidding. Jason Bourne would totally own any murder story I can come up with. He pretty much rocks. In fact, he's probably watching you right now.

I feel like blogging only when it's after 2 am

Every morning I wake up to find a cup of a mysterious orange-brownish concoction sitting on the counter glaring at me. My dad makes a mean shake every morning by blending everything and anything supposedly healthy. Every morning I am forced to pick up this cup, place it to my lips, and gulp this viscous mixture as it oozes down my throat. After I chug it down, I wash out the remaining bits with gulps of fresh water but there is no way to get rid of the pungent taste that still permeates my mouth. The drink immediately fills up my stomach and steals away all my appetite for cereal and milk, toast and tea, or whatever breakfast I had otherwise planned on and looked forward to eating. This is what I wake up to every morning when I'm back home, when I finally decide to drag myself out of of bed at around 11 am.

Every morning, my dad wakes up at 8 am to make sure his family starts the day with something healthy. He carefully washes and chops up all the organic fruits and vegetables he had picked out earlier that week from the market. He had studied up and learned to do all this from a book on nutrition that he had been reading for months. He patiently prepares everything and makes 3 cups; 1 for himself, 1 for mom, and 1 for me, and then rushes off to work.

Every morning I wake up to my dad’s cup of love for me. No matter how much it makes me gag, I still drink it every morning.

Knowing God

Knowing God "We must learn to measure ourselves, not by our knowledge of God, not by our gifts and responsibilities in the church, but by how we pray and what goes on in our hearts. Many of us, I suspect, have no idea how impoverished we are at this level." "We are, perhaps, orthodox evangelicals. We can state the gospel clearly; we can smell unsound doctrine a mile away... Yet the gaiety, goodness, and unfetteredness of spirit which are the marks of those who have known God are rare among us... A little knowledge of God is worth far more than a great deal of knowledge about him." - J. I. Packer, Knowing God. Many churchgoers know about God; few know God. We can spill off verses, recite the gospel front to back, and maybe even understand eschatology and apologetics, but few of us claim to have known God and be known by Him. In our devotions, devout study of the Word, and services to God, how horrifying it would be at the end if we were to enter the kingdom of heaven saying "Lord, Lord" yet He answers "I never knew you; depart from me, you workers of lawlessness." (Matthew 7: 23) Though we pride in having the accurate gospel, it is not enough to merely know about God. We must desperately seek after Him, understand Him, and have a personal relationship. "This 'knowledge' puffs up, but love builds up. If anyone imagines that he knows something, he does not yet know as he ought to know. But if anyone loves God, he is known by God." (1 Corinthians 8:1-3) "Let not the wise man boast of his wisdom or the strong man boast of his strength or the rich man boast of his riches, but let him who boasts, boast about this: that he understands and knows me." (Jeremiah 9:23-24) Of course faithful and diligent study of God's Word is crucial for any kind of spiritual growth. We cannot possibly live for Christ and if we don't even know what His Word says. But what is our aim of reading God's Word? To know more answers to things? To give proper Christian answers? To gain theological knowledge? "To be preoccupied with getting theological knowledge as an end in itself, to approach the Bible study with no higher a motive than a desire to know all the answers, is the direct route to a state of self-satisfied self-deception... Our aim in studying the Godhead must be to know God himself better. Our concern must be to enlarge our acquaintance, not simply with the doctrine of God's attributes, but with the living God whose attributes they are. As he is the subject study, and our helper in it, so he must himself be the end of it." - J I Packer. Studying God's word is merely a tool, albeit an important one, that leads to personal fellowship with God. We cannot take our knowledge lightly, much less pride ourselves in it. Once we know and understand the gospel, there is no turning back. We either accept it or reject it. The more we know, the higher standard we have to uphold, because we cannot plead ignorance. "And the servant who knew his master's will but did not get read or act according to his will, will receive a severe beating... Everyone to whom much was given, of him much will be required, and from him to whom they entrusted much, they will demand the more." (Luke 12:47-48) Sometimes I fear gaining too much knowledge, not because I fear knowledge itself, but I fear the condemnation that comes when knowledge merely puffs one up and produces no fruit. So instead of inundating my head with sermons and theological terms, instead give me one good sermon, let me digest it and examine myself and renew my heart to repentance. At the end, knowledge, even accurate knowledge about the gospel and saving grace, does not save. How then do we know God, you might ask? "And by this we know that we have come to know him, if we keep his commandments...By this we may be sure that we are in him: whoever says he abides in him ought to walk in the same way in which he walked." (1 John 2:3-6) A heart that seeks after God's heart, a life that rests solely upon Jesus, the Firm Foundation, and holiness and love that radiates from a transformed heart are the marks of a true Christian. Do you know God? Does He know you?

and no... I don't want to graduate so fast

With less than 30 days of high school left, a part of me feels itching to get out. And if you've talked to me this whole year, you might have noticed how many times I've mentioned that I'm so ready to graduate and leave.

But hold that thought.

4 years of life at Walnut High School... 4 years of walking to classes, lunch with the group, club meetings, of 12-hour school days, sunrise to sunset. Can I really just take all that and walk away? Of course I'm not idealizing my 4 years of high school. There was much uncomfortable fitting in, embarrassing moments, hard work, and wanting to give up. But yesterday during lunch, I was reminded of how much I have taken for granted. It was a truly enjoyable lunch, with friends I've known for 4 years, and laughter and jokes. I was comfortable and happy with where I was. There was no more bitterness, resentment at coming to Walnut (and not my old school), frustration at myself and my environment. And even as I walk around campus, I don't even see how everyone complains about it being so ugly. It's not that ugly, when the weather is perfect and the flowers are in bloom. And all the people I've met the past 4 years... the people who make me smile with their silly quirks, are all going to part. Of course I can meet up with them again after I graduate but it's never the same.

and no...I realize, I don't want to graduate so fast.

Part of it is because I've been involved in activities that's been very dear to me. Only two school activities really dominated my senior year: MORE Club and Astronomy Club. Last week was my last MORE club trip to Vejar and my last time seeing my 3rd grade buddy, Katelyn, whom I had for the past 2 years. MORE Club was always strikingly different from my other mundane school activities that I forced myself to do... every Wednesday I'd be excited after school when the bus reached Vejar Elementary and my buddy and all those kids would be there waiting. I'd forget everything else and just be so happy to be with kids. a breath of fresh air. And for the last MORE club, I just played with Katelyn and tried to be happy. I didn't want to press on her that this was the last time I would probably see her. So as I watched her walk away from school for the last time, I felt sad but I thought... it's all worth it. I was so grateful to be in MORE Club because it made my whole high school career so much more meaningful. To know that I've had a lasting impact on another child...and that the memories will always be there.

Tonight was another monthly star party for Astronomy Club. The sky wasn't too clear because of smog and light pollution. But Charissa, a Philipinno girl with a round face, is always faithful in showing up. She is always off to the side and not talked to often. But she tells me that she is reminded about the majesty of God when she looks up at the stars. She tells me that she's learned a lot from her two years at Astronomy Club... and now has the habit of looking up when she steps outside, just as I have. And at this moment, I know that it is all worth it... being president of Astronomy Club, organizing star parties, and getting to know Charissa. It's worth it if all it did was to touch one person with the awe of the universe, the presence of the all-powerful God. For one individual to find her place in the cosmos and be at peace with herself.

These are the moments that make up life.