One thing I miss about being home is that at any time of the day I can just go outside and take a walk in my backyard. And just being all alone in silence and seeing the stars despite the light-polluted sky gives me a peace of mind quite unlike any other. (such an obvious indication of how introverted I am)
I can't live life without reflection. without contemplation. That's like running in circles with your eyes closed. So in Berkeley, it's harder to just find a quiet place where I can be alone. To begin with, it's not even safe to wander around alone at night. But before I go back into my apartment, I do just sit and pause once in awhile. I'd almost forgotten what it felt like in the busyness of college. I see my life from afar, from a detached third person perspective. And I see how trivial everything is and how near-sighted I am, going bipolar over every tiny circumstance. I remember to just trust in God, because He controls everything. And best of all, He causes all things to work together for good to those who love Him, even if I don't understand all His ways. These are the thoughts I'm thinking about. Then as I go up the stairs, through the hallway and face the door of my apartment, it all comes back. I know I am entering back into little world and its bubble of troubles all over again. I take a breath. And I enter. But now I enter with a new understanding. Because as easy as it is for me to be alone, I know my life is meaningless if I don't love others. Loving others is the only true test if I know anything about God's love.
This is the kind of post where I keep to myself and don't let anyone read. Because I think too much. And then I think about why I think so much and why I'm so weird like that. So why is this up? Oh well. I think that's my best reason.
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